Readiness, Transformation, Support (RTS)
From a talk to participants by Scott Kiloby at the Kiloby Center Family Retreat 2016
Readiness as it relates to people with addiction:
Readiness to practice Living Inquiries
To return to the present moment awareness
To drop down, feel it being emotionally triggered, and let that be instead of repressing it
Some people show up every day and are ready to really work.
Some people think they’re ready but when they realize the stuff we’re working on here, they back off some things they are not ready to look at and keep their eye on the 30 day mark when they are released. When this happens, patterns can re-ignite when they are back with families and their old social environment. Relapse becomes a risk.
Readiness as it relates to families and loved ones:
Families are very, very ready for the person with the addiction to go into treatment. They are not necessarily ready to do their own work. The person with addiction is identified as the problem.
An important step is to get that person on track. Families need to work with their own repression, trauma, addiction, underlying anxieties. For families, is there a readiness to do their own work?
For families: Healing yourself is the most powerful thing you can do
Do we really have the power to heal anyone? You can have influence. You can create a bottom. In the end if someone isn’t ready for change, they won’t.
Your main concern: being here to heal, to look at your own patterns, repressions and traumas. Then you’re changing the family dynamics. That will be felt by the person with addiction. You may find it no longer fits to enable a person. You may support them to go into treatment but if they’re not willing to go into treatment you might be not willing to have them stay at your house and give them money. This way you are already helping their recovery.
Bargaining: I’ll get clear then you (person with addiction) go into treatment
It may not happen that way. They may not go into treatment even after you stop enabling and get healthy.
How much are you willing to suffer for that person?
Families can be addicted to the story of that person and how sick they are. Suffering, shame, worry, what if. The person who is addicted is going down and the whole family goes down like the Titanic.
I don’t have the consciousness to deal with this in another way.
If I did, I would be dealing with it differently. Ask yourself: what will it take for me to have a different consciousness around this?
That’s where the question of readiness comes in – am I willing to look at my patterns?
Then I have a different consciousness around who I am, who they are, and my relationship with them.
I know it’s really hard. We want to go back to the old pattern that is so familiar.
Note: The Fraser clan family crest for my branch of the family is Je Suis Prest. It means “I am ready”. I have thought of this many times through my life as I gather courage to turn toward what is difficult. Lynn Fraser